September 29th – James improving, thankfully

In the morning I still had a really high fever so we decided to take a trip to emergency to make sure it was really the milk only playing tricks on me. I sat in ER waiting and feeling stupid whilst Nigel popped over to our darling. It turned out I had an infection with a CRP of 165 (normal is 6-8). The doctor told gob smacked me to leave a urine test; I had to be put on a drip plus needed antibiotics straight into the blood. She wanted me to stay in their ward. I told her no way. I could come and take the medicine, but not staying around to wait for a drip or sleep over! I told her that I could visit for the medication. I told her about James plus I had promised the kids I would come back home to them that evening. So I took my bag of fluid in my hand and made our way up to see James. The nurses were nice enough to put the drip on the right speed or I would had put it on free flow :o). It just felt like pure nonsense to me, totally ridiculous. James had had major heart surgery and there was I walking around with a drip.
It was so lovely to see James!! Though I became really scared when I saw him! looking at him I saw him as a baby, but not my baby. I was totally confused and petrified. Blimey I was going nuts for real. I looked at Nigel, he asked “what´s the matter?” I asked him if he thought James looked different from the day before. His response was “no he looks exactly like he did yesterday”. My brain was working on overloaded. I asked myself many questions. I felt really horrible towards James but I started to understand what was happening to me. I had become used to seeing James totally swollen over his face. What must have looked horrible for others was my baby, James got rid of a lot of fluid and the puffiness was almost totally gone now. I also “wanted” to protect myself from more pain and agony of losing my baby again. I almost started rejecting him. Not me but my defence mechanism. I was pretty worn down after all the shock and with being ill. It scared the living life out of me. I talked to Nigel about it during the day, but still I didn´t want him to worry him about me becoming even more neurotic now especially when he had his “own” grief and worries to handle. Thankfully I caught myself in time and understood what was happening. I had not been able to bond with James physically since he was dying in my arms. The tubes had been in the way and separated us from being close. At least good things came out from the psychology and psychiatry I had been studying before I became pregnant with James.
I shook my head thinking it´s unbelievable, all this time in shock and being traumatized and no therapist had been offered to us. No wonder I was going Looney.
The drain James had in front and behind his heart was taken out this day. They were quickly pulled out and three stitched were ready by each incision to just be knotted neatly together.
After a while of having the total shivers in intensive care unit, the staff told me nicely but firmly that I needed to get some proper rest. This day I couldn´t do much for James but the day after they might take him off the ventilator and may even wake up! So we went back to the hotel, took down a picture from the wall and hung my bag of drip on the hook so I could sleep there instead. No way was I going over to the ward to sleep. I am stubborn as a mule of course, when the drip was finished I went back to the ward to get disconnected :o).
We drove home to the kids for a while. I`m not used to being without my children for long periods of time (nothing more than every other weekend). The kids were doing wonderfully with mum and dad of course, they spoil them rotten :o). Though I still keep beating myself up with what a lousy mum I am that can´t split myself in the middle to be with all of my kids at the same time.
We had to go back at midnight to get my antibiotics, so we slept at the patient hotel over night.