September 23rd – Still grieving part 2

I had a horrible nightmare. I had a dream of the doctors performing cpr on James. They were basically jumping on his little chest. I had a good cry to let it out. I was thinking of the funeral sadly maybe to be. I saw a white tiny coffin in front of me with blue flowers around it. It was necessary for me to clear everything out either way it went. I decided to myself if there were to be a funeral, absolutely only closest family would be able to come. Only Nigel, I, the kids and our parents would attend. I panicked thinking of the surgery again, I was sure it would be the last time we saw him alive. All we dreamed of was to be able to see into his beautiful eyes again and to hold him close. I felt so empty. James had been inside of me for a long time. I often walked around with my hand on my tummy, but he wasn´t there or with us. I had never felt so empty before, so incredibly painful.