September 22nd – Chaos part 4

We went up to James to see him and kiss him. It was impossible not to cry when we saw him. He didn´t deserve all of this, our beautiful and precious baby boy. My body was aching. Stress made me tense all my muscles, including where I have the arthritis. It was hard for me to see Nigel so upset. I felt guilty. Still in shock I had the weirdest thoughts. The way I talked on and off must have hit Nigel hard. In the beginning I had doubts it was right to put James through all the suffering. Maybe it had been best for him to go to sleep? I felt selfish that he laid there suffering for every breath he took. I panicked only thinking of the doctors cutting my baby up. Several times I have seen on TV when they had performed heart surgery on babies. But not MY baby! Nigel helped me through it. Luckily Nigel has a gift of words and he is an incredibly compassionate man.
Sms came one after another with many supportive messages. It meant so much to us! Even if we didn´t reply to all or call up you can´t even imagine how much it meant to us. Nigel had called all his friends for them to start prayer chains, that was his mission, to make sure people was praying for our baby. People we knew and a lot that we didn´t know. Nigel was also able to talk more to others than I. For me it was harder and I was clinging on to Nigel, he made me feel safe, as usual. I had a worried message from my Nan so I called her up and I couldn´t hold back my tears. When I sent out the sms about James being close to death, I felt guilty because I didn´t want to worry anyone. Even worse it felt when I didn´t have the strength to call or sms back. I talked to my parents of course. My cousin Becca gave me a call and we talked for a while. Something which had struck me more than once, James was so lucky Nigel was his daddy and I was very lucky he was my husband. If something similar had happened to any of my other boys I would have been totally on my own. Becca agreed.
I talked to my mum. Mum, my Nan and mums friend would come over the next day to see James for the first time. Mum would be coming over from Norway, where she lives.
Totally exhausted Nigel and I snuggled up together in bed and fell asleep.