September 22nd – Chaos part 1

We woke up as we went to sleep. Only thing I could see in front of me was James´s grey face and staring eyes. I had been calling the ward a couple of times during the night to make sure our sweetheart were still with us.
I went into the bathroom to get myself ready for breakfast. I had another breakdown. Cried for a couple of minutes and wiped the tears away. I looked in the mirror and I thought to myself. Blimey!! My eyes were totally swollen up and red. I couldn´t see myself in the image. It was like it was someone else in my reflection.We went down to have breakfast. One incredibly tough thing to do since only two days previous we were down in the same place with James, just as the other parents with their babies. I was really fighting not to have a total breakdown in public. I cried quietly. It`s hard to explain how we were feeling... more than that we were of course in a total state of shock. It´s like being in another dimension, in a bubble, your own world. You go from numb to have total break downs. It hits you rock hard. From one minute to another. If we weren´t crying holding each other, I was comforting Nigel or Nigel comforting me. So even in a state of shock we complemented each other. :o)