Thursday-5th of November

They called me this morning, I was just up. James was awake and been entertaining the staff :O)!! Tjohhooo I half ran to PICU after calling Nigel. It was lovely to see James´s beautiful eyes :O)! James had a lot of pain on and off :O)! The staff needed to change his bedding and James came up in my lap for a bit. Poor little man had a lot of pain so they needed to flush some Ketogan, morphine. James fell asleep in my lap, it was lovely to feel him close and kiss him :O)!! Nigel came over in a hurry when he heard Jams was awake :O). I gave them two some space I knew poor Nigel could not stay for so long :O). The staff rolled in a flatscrenn tv with a dvd for James now when he was awake. Bob the builder went warm all day :O)! James was still heavily drugged for the pain and it was good that he could concentrate on something and relax :O)!

Nigel went home again, I talked a bit more with the other parents. Later this evening the little girl had a lot of flam and she was hungry and started screaming. I had my back to them but I heard the mother tried to breastfed her to comfort her. Little Miranda was more and more upset and suddenly the room was filled of quiet. She stopped breathing and the staff pushed the alarm. Of course all the staff rushed over to the girl’s bed to ventilate her. Her mother went calmly (they had experienced it before) outside, I felt stressed I so wanted to go out to her and give her a hug but I decided to stay with James so staff could concentrate completely on the girl and I sent my thought and love to the mother. I was not stressed about the girl; more about the mother, poor little sweetheart was in the right place at that time, the reason why the children are there after a major operation, but nevertheless a worrying time for the parents!!! The girl started breathing quickly again after some adrenaline and with lovely Ruben for ventilation :O), bless her!!The father stayed in the room. When the mother came in again she looked at me and we both put our hands on our hearts when she passed by, a mother to a mother meeting, when something happens to another heart child it is very close to heart!!!

I thought about the incident going back to the room in the evening. How much I have gone through and experienced since James was born. I have always been calm during emergencies with adults, I have been around before, but only the thought of a child stopped breathing or being ill in the past I panicked inside (naturally nothing I take lighten of course anyways. Sometimes I don’t know if people find it a gift I have received, a sickness or just madness during everything I have gone through with James ;O). Being at home with him and he stopped breathing and I calmly pushed him to start breathing again etc. Sometimes I don’t know if I should laugh or cry, but I´ll choose laughing and see it as a gift, a gift of being strong and secure in a emergency and not” lose my head” and freak out I have to see as an asset, I am certain it has helped me mentally or I would have gone under. I think everything in my life with many children and a husband that works a lot I have not really had the time to collapse completely during a longer time.



I called Nigel and talked off the incident and gave him update about James, he was fine and a sleep :O)!